The Lunar Spartans
by M306117
Summary: Losing a war against the Solar Empire, Princess Luna summons the best fighters in the universe to bolster her fledging forces. Instead she gets two Spartans with a... unique way of working. From explosions to shark weeks to flying through the air, these are their after actions reports.
1. Looking for Players

**AN: ****I don't own My Little Pony or Halo. They belong to Hasbro and Bungie/Microsoft/343 Industries respectively.**

Looking for Players...

**Somewhere in the Everfree Forest**

The forest was still and silent, its trees motionless as the wind died down and the leaves settled on the ground, joining countless more in carpeting the mossy floor and hiding dozens of tree branches from sight.

The silence was soon shattered as automatic gunfire ripped through the air.

Dawson, a Spartan-IV, fired his assault rifle from the hip as numerous ponies, all wearing the bright gold armour exclusive to the Solar Empire Army, scattered before him.

'Yeah, you mother humpers!' he yelled after them. 'For the New Lunar Republic!'

His partner and squad leader, Jackson, joined him in gunning down the fleeing soldiers, their combined firepower turning the stallions into bullet ridden corpse that the forest seemed to swallow up the moment they dropped.

Both Spartans emptied their assault rifles then slipped fresh mags in, continuing their barrage of gunfire.

Once the last body had fallen still, they reloaded again and set off in search of more Solar Empire soldiers to kill.

**Inside the New Lunar Republic's headquarters**

Luna gave a weary sigh as she signed the last parchment and rolled it up, adding it to an already immense pile of them. She had been up all night going over the current Equestrian laws and making her own modifications for when she finally overthrew Celestia and her wretched Solar Empire, allowing the New Lunar Republic to replace it and allow ponies everywhere the freedom to choose their leaders.

She would, of course, oversee the first few years to get everything in place before holding the very first elections but right now, Luna's thoughts drifted to her bed.

Tiberius, her pet opossum, was curled on the desk next to her, asleep.

'Oh, Tibble-kins.' She said to the animal. 'Who knew it would be so much work planning a revolution? Sending troops out, coming up with new laws, plotting to overthrow that tyrant I once called a sister. When will it end?'

Tiberius cracked open one eye then fully opened both, stretching out with yawn, before climbing atop the Alicorn's head, pointing at her bed.

'Oh, that would make me most happy, Tiberius.' She said, looking longingly at the midnight blue covers and soft but firm mattress. If she hurried and gave the guards outside her room orders to not let anyone past, she might be able to avoid dealing with Those Two.

Luna groaned inwardly, thinking of the two Spartans she had summoned.

Her uprising against Celestia and the Solar Empire had gone well at first with her army winning a number of small but tactically important battles in the opening days of the Equestrian Civil War but as time went on, that number began petering out until the Solar Empire and New Lunar Republic became locked in a stalemate. Neither could dislodge the other long enough from any one location to fortify it ahead of the inevitable counterattack, leading to a war of attrition that, after looking over their supplies and available soldiers, the New Lunar Republic would eventually lose.

So, in an act of desperation, Luna had trawled through her collection of books on arcane magic in search of a spell that would give her more powerful soldiers or some super weapon to unleash on the Solar Empire.

She had gotten Jackson and Dawson instead.

They were a welcome addition to begin with, fending off Solar Empire soldiers with ease, but as time went on their underlying personality disorders began showing through.

Dawson was more vocal than Jackson, often yelling 'For the New Lunar Republic' as he gunned down the enemy and calling them mother humpers as well, and had a way of explaining unusual feats or actions with the phrase Shark Week.

Jackson, meanwhile, was much quieter and focused when out in the field and more often than not would sing songs to himself in the midst of battle. When he did speak and it wasn't an order, it was fifty-fifty on whether it would be making casual conversation with Dawson or spouting some weird fact or disturbing imagery.

Both used a less than refrained style of combat, usually tackling the enemy head with whatever weapon they had and leaving a bloody pile of bullet-ridden corpses behind, but if the situation called for it or they felt like doing it, the two Spartans would use stealth to whittle their opponents down. Or just annoy them.

Their after action reports were as brief as can be, most times only stating total casualties for both sides alongside their personal kill counts. On the rare occasion that either Jackson or Dawson decided to put anything more descriptive than that into their reports, it was kept just as brief.

Luna thought back to one such report.

_Skirmish of Downtown Ponyville, After Action Report_

_Enemy Casualties: 50_

_Friendly Casualties: 34_

_Spartan Dawson Kill Count: 12_

_Spartan Jackson Kill Count: 14_

_Summary of Battle: Explosions. Explosions everywhere._

The lack of any detail infuriated Luna sometimes. She wanted to know how to make her troops better fighters and three word summaries weren't going to tell her anything. But no matter how many times she asked them to give more specifics, Jackson and Dawson kept on giving three to four word answers, thus earning the moniker of Those Two from Luna because while she welcomed their presence in her army, their actions drove her crazy.

She glanced at the clock on her desk and saw it was seven o'clock in the morning, prompting Luna to yawn and sluggishly get to her hooves. Tiberius remained perched on her head, jumping down when Luna reached her bed and curled up on one of the pillows, quickly going back to sleep.

Luna moved to join the opossum, drawing back the covers, but a knock from the door made her groan instead and she turned away from the bed towards the door, dragging her hooves.

The door swung open to reveal one of the guards, dressed in full armour.

'Your Majesty, Spartans Jackson and Dawson have returned from their mission in the Everfree Forest.' The guard said, coming to attention. 'Shall I send them in or will you meet with them in the library?'

'Library.' Luna said, yawning. 'And have the kitchen send up some coffee and cakes. If I have to deal with Those Two, I want to have something to keep me awake.'

The guard saluted. 'Yes, ma'am.'

**Inside the New Lunar Republic headquarters**

Jackson propped his feet up on one of the library's many desks, his dirt encrusted boots scuffing the wooden surface, writing up the latest after action report.

'Patrol of the Everfree Forest number fifty-six.' He said, speaking as he wrote. 'Total number of enemy casualties: sixty. Total number of friendly casualties: none. Summary of battle: victory.' He signed and dated it then tossed the parchment onto the desk alongside his helmet.

Opposite him, Dawson was flicking through what passed for erotic fiction in Equestria but judging from the semi-focused look in his eyes, the fact that it was about ponies was merely an inconvenience in an otherwise sexually arousing story.

Jackson glanced at the title. _The Princess's Guard._

'Good book?' he asked.

Dawson hummed. 'It's about an Alicorn who falls in love with a guard. Starts off with the usual mush of professing their love for one another, working their way up from kissing to heavy fondling to oral to actually fucking.' He turned the page. 'Just in the middle of the guard going down on the princess to deliver an earth shattering orgasm or some such. Goes into a lot of detail.'

'It's ponies, though.' Jackson said.

'When in Rome.'

Jackson shook his head. 'Surprised you're reading that stuff. You usually go for the hardcore stuff. You know, tied up and blindfolded while the man eats the chick out.'

'Read them all.' Dawson said as he turned the page again. 'Four rows back from where you're sitting, third shelf from the bottom, somewhere in the middle. Kind of surprised myself Luna has such books in her collection.'

'Why am I not surprised you know exactly where they are?'

Dawson shrugged. 'Shark Week.'

'Of course.'

Jackson blew out a long breath as he leant back, hands clasped behind his head. It had been a long night, hunting Sunnies and chasing them, but he and Dawson had managed to but a huge dent in the local population of Solar Empire soldiers in a reasonable short time. Most of the night was spent getting to where the Sunnies had set up camp and walking back again.

It had been easy, almost unfair, taking on the Sunnies. Both he and Dawson wore MJOLNIR GEN2 armour, coloured blue with grey highlights and silver visors. Dawson, being a vehicle-orientated Spartan, had opted for the OPERATOR variant of the armour while Jackson, something of a generalist and a believer in the classics, had chosen the Mark VI from the GEN1 line of armours just like the Master Chief had worn, only blue instead of green. The ponies had no such armour.

Their guns were strewn haphazardly over the desk, each of them having a unique decoration given to them by their owners. Dawson had sprayed a shark's mouth and eyes around the barrel of his rifle and Jackson had stencilled 'Front Towards Enemy' on his, complete with arrow. Both Spartans had included the New Lunar Republic's emblem on the stock. Neither Spartan had taken the time to decorate their pistols.

The library's double doors opened and Luna walked in, looking bleary eyed with a mug of coffee floating before her and Tiberius hanging from her necklace by his tail. He waved at the Spartans and held up a sign that read 'Blue Team Rules!'

'Tiberius, my man.' Jackson said. 'How's it hanging?'

Dawson groaned. 'That was terrible.'

'I know.' Jackson said.

Luna dumped herself at the desk, letting her coffee land with a thump onto the wooden surface. Some of the contents spilled out, joining the dirt from Jackson's boots in tarnishing the otherwise immaculate surface.

'Were you successful?' she asked.

'Yup.' Jackson said, pushing the after action report her way.

'Can I expect to find the usual detailed report chronicling each and every move you made in getting that success?'

'Yup.'

Luna let out a despondent groan and let her head fall to the desk. 'I passed up sleep for this?'

'Yup.' Jackson said again.

She sighed and brought her head back up, inadvertently catching sight of the book Dawson was reading. 'Wh-Where did you find that?'

'Five rows to my left, seven rows back, fourth shelf from the top, way to the left.' He said, turning the page. 'Gotta say, I never imagined you'd be the kind of person to have erotic novels. Especially some of them. _A Night in Canterlot _was racy, even for me.'

'And that's saying something.' Jackson said.

'If you say anything to anypony about those, I can and will hurt you.' Luna said. 'Both of you.'

'You could but, then you'd lose the war against the Sunnies and Celestia.' Dawson said, putting the book down and picked up his helmet. 'We're your ace in the hole.'

'Yup.' Jackson added, picking his helmet up, too. 'So what's next for Spartan Fireteam Squealing Wombat?'


	2. Slayer

**AN: ****I don't own My Little Pony or Halo. They belong to Hasbro and Bungie/Microsoft/343 Industries respectively. Any songs sung by Jackson belong to their respective artists.**

Slayer

**Inside the New Lunar Republic's headquarters**

'Crazy, but that's how it goes. Millions of people, living as foes. Maybe, it's not too late. To learn how to love. And forget how to hate.' Jackson sang as he field stripped his assault rifle, singing along to a song only he could hear, occasionally moving his head in time with the beat. 'Mental wounds not healing. Life's a bitter shame. I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train! I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train!'

'You're already off.' Dawson said from the other side of the room, his own assault rifle partially dismantled. 'Hell, I doubt you were ever on the rails in the first place.'

'Nope.' Jackson said before resuming his singing. 'I've listened to preachers, I've listened to fools. I've watched all the dropouts, who make their own rules. One person conditioned to rule and control. The media sells it, and you live the role.'

'Why do you listen to such old stuff?' Dawson asked as his squad mate began rocking out with an imaginary guitar.

'Because you gotta respect the classics, man.' Jackson said. 'And, living here in Jersey, fighting villains from afar, you gotta find first gear in your giant robot car.' He pointed at Dawson. 'You dig giant robots.' He pointed at himself. 'I dig giant robots.' He indicated them both. 'We dig giant robots.' At that moment, Luna entered the Spartan's quarters and Jackson pointed his finger at her, too. 'Chicks dig giant robots.' He performed a quick solo on his 'guitar' before standing and kicking his stool over. 'Nice.'

Luna opened her mouth to say something then closed it, before turning to Dawson. 'And he's your superior because?'

'He has a better grasp on the tactical and strategic needs of battle than me.' he said as Jackson righted his stool and sat down on it, singing another song to himself. 'The fact he listens to old songs, randomly sings then, and has a tendency to say weird things doesn't detract from that. It just serves to make people underestimate him.' He began putting his assault rifle together. 'That, and our plans for tackling the enemy are usually similar. They just go better with him at the helm.'

'Pray tell, what plans do you usually come up with?' Luna asked.

'Simple ones.' Jackson said. 'The less in them, the better. Mostly they involve one thing or less.'

'One thing or less?' Luna said, rounding on Jackson. 'How does that work?'

'Brilliantly.' He said. 'With no steps to complete or achieve, there's nothing that can go wrong. Ergo, no matter the outcome of the battle, the plan will always work.'

'And when you have steps in your plans, what are they?'

'Simple.' Jackson said. 'Kill everything that isn't friendly.'

Luna grimaced as the Spartan assembled his rifle with unnerving precision.

'So, you come to check up on Squealing Wombat or are you here with a new mission?' Dawson asked, his rifle fully assembled.

'A new mission.' Luna said, bringing out a scroll which she passed to Jackson. 'Intelligence suggests that a sizeable number of Solar Empire soldiers are heading to a nearby town that was abandoned some time ago to turn it into a new base. The location of this town means that if Celestia can occupy it, she can send troops to disrupt our supply lines with ease. You, and a team of forty, will stop them from doing that.'

Jackson picked up the scroll then threw it behind him, not even bothering to read the contents. 'Consider it done.'

'You're not even going to look at the specifics?' Luna said.

'Nope.' Jackson said. 'You've given us all we need to know. Sunnies are coming to take over a town. We have to stop them. What more needs to be said?'

'Usual plan, Commander?' Dawson said as he stood and began stocking up on magazines and grenades.

'Yup.' Jackson said as he did the same. 'Never let us down yet so why mess with success?'

They finished loading up and departed, leaving Luna alone in their quarters.

She let out a despondent groan and sagged to the floor. 'I need a vacation.'

**In the town of Hoofington**

Hoofington was barely a kilometre squared, containing just a few house and some shops, all of them deserted and empty, their owners long since gone following the outbreak of war in Equestria.

Jackson had perched himself on top of the highest structure in town, a place from where he could spot any approaching enemy, while Dawson remained on the ground, directing the New Lunar Republic regulars into fighting positions.

They wore midnight black armour emblazoned with the symbol of the NLR, a stark contrast to the Solar Empire's golden equipment, and carried with them spears and crossbows.

'Well I'm a half-ton son of a gun with a suitcase full of pistols and money.' Jackson sang softly to himself, watching for threats. 'But come dawn, woman, I'm gone but tonight can be your lifetime, honey.' He spotted a speck in the far distance, a column of dust that was growing with each passing second. 'But God damn, girl. I'm your man, girl. I'll get your engine singing!'

Below him, Dawson craned his neck upwards to shout at Jackson. 'Hey, Commander! You see anything yet?'

'This sounds good, let me under your hood and we can find out what I'm bringing!' Jackson continued to sing, either not hearing Dawson or choosing to ignore him for the moment. 'I'm one bad man. One bad man!'

He jumped down from the roof and landed next to Dawson. 'Sunnies inbound. Everyone in place?'

'Yeah, just waiting for the mother humpers to arrive.' Dawson said. 'You ready?'

'Yup.' Jackson said. 'You?'

'Do wombats squeal?'

'Only if you zap them with a cattle prod.' Jackson said as he drew his assault rifle. 'But I'll take that as a yes.'

The two Spartans sprinted to their prearranged positions from where they could fire on the approaching enemy force long before they could reach the town.

'Kind of wish I had a battle rifle now.' Jackson said as the Sunnies continued to approach. 'Assault rifles tend to suck at anything beyond short range, even if I pulse the trigger.'

'_Yeah, well, you don't.' _Dawson said over TEAMCOM. _'But if Luna's looking down on us favourably, you might be able to hit something this time.'_

'Hey, I hit things every time I fire.' Jackson shot back. 'It's just not always living or an enemy.'

'_Don't I know it?' _Dawson muttered. '_My ass still hurts from the last time you unloaded a round into it.'_

'That was intentional.'

'_How was it?'_

'You wouldn't stop reminiscing about what you and Lyra got up to the night before.' Jackson said. 'I had to find a way of shutting you up.'

'_There were other ways.' _Dawson said. '_Like smacking me.'_

'You were too far away.'

'_We were right next to each other!'_

'Still too far.'

Dawson groaned over the COM. '_Well if you start telling me what you and Luna usually get up to, I'm going for your balls.'_ There was a brief pause. '_Wait. That came out wrong.'_

'So it did.' Jackson murmured. 'Doubtful you'd be able to make me wince, even if you did shoot them. Last night was... _frantic _to say the least. Everything is just numb down there. So I think Luna will smile down on at least me favourably.'

'_And I'm sure Lyra will smile down at me favourably after today.' _Dawson said.

'I'm sure.' Jackson said.

Each Spartan knew the other was talking bullshit. Neither of them had any kind of relationship, sexual or otherwise, with Luna or Lyra. It was just something they did to pass the time while they waited for the fighting to start and, in Dawson's case, give him ideas for when he was alone and out of his armour.

If either pony heard what they said, the Spartans would soon come under fire from them both. And when one was a physical goddess that could move an entire moon, it didn't bode well for their lifespan.

But that was a worry for another day. Right now, in the present, an incoming force of what looked to be fifty plus Sunnies was closing in and posed a more direct threat to Jackson and Dawson's livelihood.

'Standby to engage.' Jackson called out, giving the archers the signal to prepare their crossbows while everyone else just readied their spears.

He held one hand up while the other kept his assault rifle aimed vaguely in the Solar Empire's direction, then brought it down once the enemy was less than fifty metres from their position.

Instantly, twenty-three bolts sailed from the deserted town and rained down on the front ranks of the Sunnies. Some were hit by several bolts, others by only a few, but all of the soldiers stopped in their tracks, caught off guard by the sudden attack.

Those who survived the initial barrage took a second to react while their less fortunate compatriots writhed in pain or just lay dead, a crossbow bolt sticking out of their head. When they did start to move, the New Lunar Republic soldiers burst from their cover and charged, spears lowered, ready to kill.

'Let's do it!' Dawson yelled, joining the charge. 'For the New Lunar Republic!'

'Yup.' Jackson said as he followed his teammate's example, assault rifle up and firing in short controlled bursts.

The Sunnies, who had up to this point been meeting their moon themed counterparts with equal ferocity, faltered at the sight of the two Spartans. Nevertheless, they fired crossbows of their own and took down five NLR soldiers, wounded another six, before focusing most of their attention on Jackson and Dawson.

A spear came flying through the air towards Dawson who looked up at it, stopped, and let it bounce off his armour. He then picked it up and used it to run the original owner through, stabbing him in the chest and kept going until only half the handle was sticking out and the pony was very much dead.

He let go and reloaded.

Jackson watched, as did the Sunnie he was stood next to. The pony was simply staring at the skewered pony, mouth agape, as Jackson drew and primed a frag grenade, keeping his finger on the activation button.

'Here, hold this.' He said, holding the grenade out to the stallion who was too dumbstruck to notice who was standing next to him or what he was being handed.

The stallion mutely held his hoof out, allowing Jackson to place the now armed explosive onto it before making his escape.

'No problem.' The stallion said distantly before looking at what he had been given. His eyes opened wide in surprise. 'What? Oh, son of a-'

Jackson was already well away when the grenade exploded, turning the unfortunate pony into little more than a memory and a rather big bloody mess, carving a path through the Sunnies.

'Swapping clips.' He radioed.

'_They're mags!' _Dawson yelled by way of response. '_Clips get loaded directly into the weapon and don't have a spring-loaded feeder! Mags have them. Get it right, you mother humper.'_

'I know the difference.' Jackson said. 'I just like annoying you.'

Dawson grumbled something over the COM as a massive stallion, easily seven foot tall, moved to block Jackson.

He went to open fire but the stallion reacted with surprising swiftness and span around to deliver a massive kick that sent Jackson flying backwards. As he did, he spied Dawson moving in to kill another stallion with a knife. He drew his pistol and fired once, striking the pony in the head.

'Yoink.' Jackson said as he came to an abrupt halt at the hooves of another Sunnie.

'_Oh, you honky mother humper!' _Dawson shouted at him. '_That was my kill!'_

Jackson put a bullet into the head of the Sunnie above him. 'I didn't see your name on it.'

He got up as the pony fell to the ground, the hole in their head smoking slightly, then sprayed an entire magazine at three incoming Sunnies, piercing their golden armour with ease, and sent them tumbling to the floor.

He wondered if the armour was designed to offer any meaningful protection against implements of war or if it was just decorative because looking out of the battlefield that was Hoofington, it didn't seem to be doing them any good as half their number was injured or dead, all after only ten minutes of fighting. That being said, his and Dawson's weapons did firing an armour piercing round so maybe it was just the primitiveness of the armour compared to the advancement of the bullet.

**In the town of Hoofington**

The fighting continued for another hour, quickly turning into hide and seek as the outnumbered Sunnies would go from building to building, forcing the New Lunar Republic to fight in close quarters, slowly whittling them down until there was only a dozen or so still combat capable.

The two Spartans stood either side of a door leading into one of the houses being used by the Sunnies, getting ready to breach it.

'Ready?' Dawson said to Jackson.

'Ready.' Jackson said.

Dawson nodded then shouted to the ponies inside, 'This is your one and only chance to surrender. Drop your weapons and walk outside in a calm and collected manner, and we won't have to shoot you.'

'Not a chance, you Loonies!' one pony shouted back. 'We'd happily die for the one true ruler of Equestria than become prisoners of the false one.'

'Funny.' Jackson said. 'Because we'd happily kill every single one you and piss on your ancestor's graves for Luna, the real true ruler of Equestria. But, she's not quite as blood thirsty as us and is willing to take prisoners wherever possible. So today can either be your lucky day or your last.'

'We choose death!'

'I don't.' A timid voice squeaked, followed by a 'shut up'.

'Last chance.' Dawson said. 'Because dead or alive, you're coming with us.'

'Solar Empire, you Loony bastards!'

'See?' Dawson said to Jackson. 'That's why I don't like Sunnies.'

'I thought it was because one of them made a pass at Lyra while you were there.' Jackson said as the two Spartans assumed their breaching positions.

'Well, yeah. There's that, too.' Dawson said. 'Why don't you like Sunnies again, Commander?'

'One of them once farted in my general direction while another insinuated my mother was a hamster, and that my father smelled of elderberries.' Jackson said. He shouldered his assault rifle as Dawson got ready to kick the door down.

'Oh, yeah.'

Dawson kicked the door right above the handle, obliterating it under the impact, and sent it flying open. Jackson followed it in, assault rifle firing at the nearest target. Dawson soon followed and within seconds, all of the Sunnies inside the house were either dead or cowering in fear.

They both reloaded and stood to one side, allowing the regular soldiers of the New Lunar Republic access to take control of the one prisoner.

'So now what?' Dawson asked as the only survivor of the initial Sunnie attack was led outside. 'We going to leave this place and go back?'

'Yup.' Jackson said. 'Luna said nothing about holding and fortifying it against another attack.'

'Means Celestia might try again to take it over.' Dawson speculated as the two Spartans headed outside. 'If there's no one to defend it, it'll be ripe for the picking.'

'You'd think that.' Jackson said as he watched a team of NLR soldiers gather the Solar Empire dead into one spot, ready for burial.

'You're not gonna do what I think you're gonna do, are you?'

'Yup.'

**Inside the New Lunar Republic headquarters**

Jackson and Dawson dumped themselves into two of the library's chairs, smelling faintly of wood smoke and burnt flesh, as Luna glowered at them.

'You burned the town down.' She said.

'Yup.' Jackson said.

'As well as the bodies of the dead Solar Empire soldiers.' She said.

Yup.' Jackson said.

'For a good reason, no doubt?' she said.

'Yup.' Jackson said.'

Luna let out an irritated sigh as Tiberius scampered onto the desk, a bag of marshmallows clutched between his paws.

'We could have used that town as a staging area of our own!' she said loudly.

'You should have said.' Dawson told her as he took his helmet off and accepted a marshmallow from Tiberius. 'But this way, Celestia can't station troops there anymore, either.'

'Is that your justification?' Luna said. She saw Jackson go to open his mouth but cut him off with a hoof. 'Don't say anything. Let me guess. Yup?'

'Yup.' He said.

She sighed. 'If you two weren't so effective at stopping Celestia's soldiers, I would have sent you back to wherever it is I summoned you from a long time ago.'

'At least the plan worked.' Jackson said, propping his feet up on the desk. 'Can't argue with that.'

'I can think of several objections to the outcome of your 'plan', Spartan.' Luna said, catching the scent of smoke coming from the two. 'But until there comes time where I can get by without you, I'm going to withhold them and do the next best thing: keep you two as far away from me as I can and inflict your plans on Celestia as much as possible.'

The two Spartans looked at each other and nodded in agreement, giving their consent.

'Sure thing.' Dawson said. 'So where are we going next?'


	3. Oddball

**AN: ****I don't own My Little Pony or Halo. They belong to Hasbro and Bungie/Microsoft/343 Industries respectively. Any songs sung by Jackson belong to their respective artists.**

Oddball

**Somewhere in the Frozen North**

'You think my frames will be okay?' Dawson asked as he and Jackson trudged north, battling thigh high banks of snow and gale force winds that couldn't make their minds about whether they were helping the two Spartans along or pushing them back.

'No idea.' Jackson said. 'You told them to be extra careful with them all, didn't you?'

'Yeah.'

'Well then.' Jackson said. 'Who's going to run the risk of pissing off a Spartan by smashing his collection of valuable and rare photo frames? I can't think of that many people.'

'Luna might.' Dawson said as a particularly powerful gust buffeted the pair, knocking them back a few paces. 'After all, she does have the power to move a freaking moon around. I think if we weren't so useful to her, Luna would have smashed us like flies long ago.'

'She might break your frames, yes.' Jackson said when the wind changed direction and began pushing them forwards. 'But she's not going run the risk of getting on our bad side. Besides, after the night we had, I think she's happy with us. Well, me at least.'

'Do I even want to know what you did?'

'Meal with a view.'

'I did not need that mental image.' Dawson said.

'Why?' Jackson said. 'I'm betting you go down on Lyra all the time. Why is me eating Lu-Lu out worse than that?'

'I'm with Lyra, not Luna.' Dawson countered. 'She's your fuck buddy, not mine, so I'm not attracted to her like you. It just seems wrong to go down on a pony.'

'Says the guy that read through all of Luna's porn collection in three days.' Jackson said as the wind changed direction yet again, pushing against the two.

'That's different.' Dawson said. 'I simply replaced every mention of the word pony with an appropriate human term and pictured humans doing the acts rather than a Pegasus and an Alicorn. True, the scenes didn't quite translate. I've no idea how a woman can spread her wings open involuntarily and let loose a burst of magic from her horn while having an eye rolling orgasm but other than that, I wasn't too bothered.'

Jackson shook his head. 'You need some friends in life.'

Dawson let out a faked sob. 'I know.' He sighed then resumed walking. 'So why exactly are we out this far?'

'Because a, Luna wanted to get us as far away from her as possible after we burned Hoofington to the ground.' Jackson said.

'Hey, that was all you.' Dawson said, pointing a finger at his teammate. 'I did nothing to help set that blaze, nor did I endorse it.'

'You held the marshmallows while I did all the work.' Jackson said. 'And I didn't hear you complain as we roasted them over that Sunnie's corpse.'

'I said the taste was weird.' Dawson said. 'Doesn't that count?'

'No.' Jackson said. 'And b, she wants us to recover this rock or crystal thing so she can raise the sun by herself. The only problem is that said rock is held deep within a massive stone fort way in the north and the last two battalions she sent to recover it were never heard from again.' The wind began blowing them sideways. 'Luna is hoping that Squealing Wombat can succeed where they failed.'

'What happens if we do fail?' Dawson asked.

Jackson shrugged. 'I've no idea. I skipped that part of the mission briefing.'

'How much of the briefing did you read?'

'Just the important parts.' Jackson said. 'You know, the location.'

They trudged on in silence for a few seconds.

'Anything else?' Dawson asked when Jackson didn't follow up.

'No.' Jackson said. 'I just memorised where we have to go.' He walked on for a few steps. 'I hope.'

Dawson stared at him. 'Were you drunk when you read over it?'

'No.' Jackson said. 'Well. Maybe.' He let out an exasperated groan at Dawson continued stare. 'Okay, yes. I found a bottle of Tranquillity Moonshine and one sip led to another until I found myself lying in the living room of a unicorn family and they would not stop screaming.'

'Isn't Tranquillity Moonshine only drunk by Princess Luna?' Dawson said.

'It is.' Jackson said.

'And she keeps it locked away in her liquor cabinet that her, and only her, is allowed to open?'

'She does.'

'So how did you happen to find some lying around?' Dawson asked. 'Especially when Luna has it escorted to her room by two guards and every other bottle locked away in a vault guarded by not one, but three platoons of highly trained guards?'

'Maybe _found _isn't the right word I should have used.' Jackson said. '_Appropriated _would be more accurate.'

'You broke into her vault to get some booze?'

'Uh.' Jackson said. 'Yeah. Vault. Let's go with that.'

Dawson shook his head.

**Somewhere in the Frozen North**

The wind died down after a few hours but the snow picked up, reducing visibility to barely twenty metres in any direction as Dawson and Jackson saw their first sign of life in the icy wasteland.

It was the frozen corpse of a New Lunar Republic soldier.

Dawson crouched next to the body and gave it a quick glance over.

'No obvious wounds or injuries.' He said. 'Nothing to suggest he was killed by Sunnies.' He went to use the pony's leg to tilt him into his back, only for the appendage to snap off. 'And judging by the fact his body is frozen solid, he's been here a while.'

Jackson, who had his back to Dawson, said, 'What can you tell his body is frozen solid?'

'Just a hunch.' Dawson said, lobbing the leg at Jackson. It collided with the back of the Spartan's head, catching him by surprise. 'My guess is this guy froze to death and they just left him behind.'

'That's kind of cold, isn't it?' Jackson said as he absently rubbed the back of his head, looking around in a vain attempt to spot anything that might give them a clue as to how or why the pony was dead and alone.

'Will you stop?' Dawson said.

'Not really.' Jackson said. 'If there's a chance to make a bad pun, I'm going to use it to the best of my abilities.'

'Goddammit.' Dawson muttered as he stood and walked away from the body.

Jackson let out a dark chuckle and did the same, headed off on a tangent to Dawson. 'You think that guy was part of one of the two missing battalions Luna sent to get the rock?'

'Seeing as how he was wearing standard issue NLR armour? Yes.' Dawson said. 'I think he was.'

'So where are they all?' Jackson asked.

'Who knows?' Dawson said. 'If someone did know, they wouldn't be missing now, would they?'

'I'm betting they ran out of supplies and froze to death.' Jackson said. 'Or got set upon by weird root things that have spikes and can breathe some kind of knock out gas, their bodies wrapped up and splayed, leaving them to the mercy of this one slimy vine that slowly creeps towards them, some kind of goo dripping from the tip, that closes within a few metres then darts forwards, aiming for-'

'Stop right there.' Dawson said loudly to Jackson, throwing a clump of snow at him. 'I have seen more than enough hentai, and know that your mind is fucked up without a shadow of a doubt, to guess where you were going with that.'

'I wasn't going anywhere with that.' Jackson replied. 'The vine was.'

'I know.' Dawson said. 'It's the place the vine was going towards that I don't want to know.'

Jackson shrugged and threw some snow back at Dawson. 'You're no fun.'

'I like to think of it as keeping my sanity rather than being amused.' Dawson said.

'You lost that the moment you met me.' Jackson said.

'Tell me about it.' Dawson muttered.

The pair carried on, moving in a roving search pattern, looking out for anything out of place in the wintery land. At first, their search came up empty but as time wore on, they began seeing the remains of an armed force passing through the area.

Crates would appear here and there, little wooden islands in a sea of white, followed by trebuchets and catapults, icicles hanging from the wooden frames. Dawson nudged the firing mechanism of one and it snapped, releasing the firing arm. A large lump of snow sailed high into the air and was lost from sight soon after.

'Okay.' Dawson said as they walked away. 'Now we know it still works.'

From crates and catapults, they began seeing more dead bodies, all of them wearing NLR black to begin with, but as time wore on there was the occasional golden gleam of a Solar Empire soldier.

Jackson paused to examine one. 'I'm guessing we're close to the rock thing we're supposed to be after.'

'Just because we've found a dead Sunnie?' Dawson said.

'Yup.' Jackson said. 'Looks like he got stabbed by a spear.' He carefully moved the body to reveal the only visible wound, a single gaping hole in the pony's flank that, upon prodding with an icicle, went all the way to almost the other side. 'I think.'

'You think?' Dawson said.

'Yup.' Jackson said. 'The wound is a little too narrow for an NLR issue spear. It's more of a circle than a wide slit. Could be a sword but I don't think our guys are carrying rapiers.'

'So what did kill this guy?'

Jackson shrugged. 'That, my bullet sponge, is the million bit question.'

'Best guess?'

'Could be that a soldier's spear had the tip snapped off but the owner either didn't know or didn't care and they decided to run someone through with it.' Jackson stood and dusted his hands down as he and Dawson carried on. 'That might be why the wound is a circle. Spears have circular shafts.'

'Where are the splinters of wood then?' Dawson asked.

Jackson shrugged again. 'It was only a guess.'

'Then what use are you?'

'Strategic planning, tactical planning, ability to adapt to quickly changing situations, good shot with assault and battle rifles, keep my calm in the heat of battle, and being skilled in most forms of warfare, which is why I can change plans on the fly.'

'Other than that.' Dawson said. 'What use are you?'

'I don't know.' Jackson said.

More minutes passed by as the Spartans kept following the trail of debris and bodies, occasionally examining one of the frozen lumps.

One such body yielded something neither had seen on the previous corpses.

'Is that a tentacle?' Dawson asked as Jackson pulled a metre long black icicle thing from a wound on one Sunnie's chest.

'Don't think so.' Jackson said as he turned the frozen object this way and that. 'See, tentacles usually react the same was as flesh does when frozen. Snapping under the slightest of pressure due to the brittleness. This feels more like wood.' He rapped it with his knuckles. 'Notice how it hasn't shattered into a thousand pieces?'

Dawson nodded.

'Means I've got wood.'

Dawson smacked Jackson upside the head.

'More to the point, someone or something was using this as a weapon.'

'No shit, Sherlock.' Dawson said. He crouched beside the body and gently rolled it onto its back, revealing more of the frozen wood wrapped around one of the pony's hooves. 'What do you make of this?'

'Dunno.' Jackson said. 'Check his other legs.'

A quick inspection showed that of the three remaining hooves, two had the same frozen wood wrapped around them and the third was covered in ligature marks, suggesting that someone or something had used them to incapacitate the soldier.

'Looks like they were slashed by a sword.' Dawson said as he examined one of the bindings. 'Someone tried to free this guy.'

'Who was the one behind the wooden ropes?' Jackson asked. 'That stuff's nearly two inches thick. Not the easiest stuff to bend, especially under combat conditions and with a struggling captive.'

'Maybe a unicorn was behind it all.'

'Who'd use tree branches to tie up and kill a guy?'

Dawson shrugged, scanning the surrounding area. He spotted something and began walking towards a thin black line a dozen metres away.

It was another of the frozen branches, standing proud of the snow with icicles hanging from it.

Jackson joined his partner and gave the branch a quick tug, trying to dislodge it. The branch didn't budge.

'Clear away the snow?' he suggested, prompting him and Dawson to dig down until they reached solid ground, upon which they found the branch was still firmly planted into it. Even with their combined strength, several choice words, and nearly five full minutes of exerting themselves, the branch remained where it was.

'How the hell did a unicorn manage to pull not one, but five of these things from the ground during combat when we can't even pull this bastard out between us?' Dawson asked as they gave up.

'Maybe they were stronger than us.' Jackson said. He looked off into the distance, thinking, then snapped his fingers with realisation. 'Or maybe-'

'Don't you dare say these things are alive.' Dawson interrupted. 'Don't you even think that. Because I will not believe that branches that came from the ground managed to kill a guy. And if they did do it, they will not. I repeat. WILL NOT. Try to impregnate, play with, or otherwise violate our various orifices, with a slimy branch, all in the name of whatever sick plant desire they may or may not have.'

The branch began creaking, its tip inching one way then the next, as steam began rising from its wooden surface. As both Spartans watched, a faint dribble of some unknown white liquid emerged from the very tip of the branch.

'This proves nothing.' Dawson said as the branch started to become more animated, moving with greater range towards the Spartans.

'You're no fun.' Jackson said. There was a crack as more of the branches emerged from the ground, sluggish and stiff in the subzero temperatures. 'But until we find your sense of humour, I suggest we run that way in a swift manner, grab Luna's grey rock from whatever thing it's in, run back this way, and deliver the object. All without being deflowered by a flower.'

'Agreed.' Dawson said. 'On three with a girlish scream?'

Jackson nodded. 'On three with a girlish scream.'

Both Spartans faced the general direction the skull was supposed to be.

'Three!' they yelled in unison, unleashing a high pitched scream as they began fighting their way through snow and branches.

**Somewhere in the Frozen North**

Jackson and Dawson leaped over a gap in the floor, landing in a flurry of snow on the other side as dozens of branches trailed after them, snaking through the air like wooden snake things chasing after two fleeing Spartans.

'Fuck this shit!' Dawson yelled after the branches cleared the gap with ease. 'Any ideas, commander?'

'Yeah, several.' Jackson said. 'They all include not getting caught by those things.' He pointed to something in front of them. 'Run that way as fast as you can and don't stop for anything.'

'You got it.'

The pair put on an extra burst of speed and began leaving the branches behind as the snow started to thin out, replaced by hard packed ice that Jackson and Dawson gouged chunks out of as they sprinted across its surface.

In the distance they could just about make out a massive stone structure of some description surrounded by several smaller shapes which, as they drew closer, resolved into Solar Empire tents, catapults and trebuchets arranged into defensive positions around the stone structure.

'Bollocks.' Dawson swore. 'Now we've got to get past these guys as well?'

'Yup.' Jackson said.

'Alright then.' Dawson said, unlimbering his assault rifle. 'Why not?'

Jackson drew his gun as well as they ran ever closer to the Sunnie position, chased by the living branches.

The sentries on the camp's perimeter quickly spotted the incoming team who weren't even trying to hide their presence and raised the alarm, giving the signal to launch rocks at the Spartans.

They ducked and weaved, narrowly missing being crushed more often than not, then came within shouting distance of the camp.

'Spartaaaaan!' Dawson began yelling as he started firing from the hip at the nearest target. 'Dawsoooon!'

'And I'm Spartan Jackson!'Jackson added as his assault rifle began firing too. 'And like a bat outta hell, we'll be gone before the branches come!'

'Its morning, dumbass.' Dawson shouted at him.

'Not today, it isn't.' Jackson said, jerking a thumb over his shoulder at the approaching foliage.

'Fair enough.'

They blasted past the outer defences, dropping Sunnies in ones and twos, until they came upon the entrance to the stone structure, a massive opening in a solid wall of granite that was lit from within by some unearthly source.

Several archers and spearmen stood guard by the opening but ultimately were unsuccessful in stopping, even slowing the Spartans who just ran past, assault rifles up and firing, and entered the stone building/cave proper.

More Sunnies awaited them, shouting warnings to those behind them to either set up defences or to come and try and help stop Squealing Wombat from making any further progress.

Jackson responded by grabbing a nearby flaming torch and began waving it around.

'Oh, shit.' Dawson said when he noticed.

'I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!' Jackson bellowed, smacking one Sunnie across the cheek with his newly acquired weapon, sending sparks flying into the air. 'BOW BEFORE ME, MORTALS. FOR I, SPARTAN 'HELLFIRE' JACKSON, AM COMING TO BRING DOWN, UH, HELLFIRE STUFF DOWN ON YOU! YEAH!'

'Smooth.' Dawson said as his partner clubbed another pony with an uppercut then ducked as a Sunnie unicorn threw a boulder his way. 'Hi, Tom.'

'TOM? MY NAME IS HELLFIRE, TIM-TIM.' Jackson shouted. 'YOURS IS TIM-TIM, TIM-TIM. NOW, ONWARDS!'

The torch wielding Spartan unleashed a war cry of some description and charged headfirst into a thronging crowd of ponies, tossing them high into the air as Dawson followed but at a more sedate pace, shooting the survivors of Jackson's rampage. Though right now, he was in his Hellfire persona, a loud and violent warrior with delusions of godhood brought out when a flaming torch and enemies were present.

It was a mixed blessing. Hellfire could lay waste to any number of enemies when he came out but had an annoying habit of calling Dawson Tim-Tim. Why he did it, Dawson didn't know. He just knew it was annoying.

Jackson skewered one pony through the eye, lodging his torch there, then grabbed a fresh one as he continued.

'TIM-TIM, OUR QUEST IS NEARLY AT AN END. FOR I, HELLFIRE, THE GOD OF HELLFIRE, SENSE AN ARTEFACT OF GREAT POWER COMING FROM SOMEWHERE AHEAD OF US.' Jackson kicked another pony in the crotch and picked up their sword, brandishing it, and carved up the next poor pony. 'FOR THE REALM OF HELLFIRE AND THE NEW LUNAR REPUBLIC!' Jackson unleashed another unintelligible scream and got to work on the next batch of victims.

Dawson rolled his eyes. 'My name is Dawson, you mother humper.'

'NOT ALL OF THE WOMEN I SHOW THE FURY OF A HELLFIRE GOD ARE MOTHERS.' Jackson said. 'BUT BY THE END, THEY ARE MOTHERS TO BE SO, TECHNICALLY, YOU ARE CORRECT TIM-TIM.'

Dawson sighed, knowing that he would only have to endure Hellfire for a few more minutes at most before he could snap Jackson out of his delusion using a key phrase he had discovered almost by accident.

More Solar Empire soldiers came for them but between Dawson's assault rifle, some grenades, and Hellfire himself, they died as quickly as they came.

Then a new threat appeared.

As he watched, Dawson saw something snake from the cracks in the wall. Something snake like and black.

'Oh, my God.' He said. 'They're coming out of the walls! They're coming out of the goddamn walls!'

Jackson/Hellfire turned to look at the walls at Dawson's cry and saw the branches from earlier forcing their way in through whatever cracks in the walls there were. Already several of them had ensnared some Solar Empire soldiers and stretched their legs out, leaving them vulnerable for a fifth branch to appear, a thick white liquid dribbling from the tip.

_If Jackson saw this, I'd never hear the end of it, _Dawson thought, thankful that whatever Jackson did as Hellfire, he didn't remember anything about it.

'FUEL!' Jackson shouted with glee, seeing the branches for what they were. Wood. 'HELLFIRE SHALL BE SPREAD ALL ACROSS THIS VILE TEMPLE AND IT SHALL BE TURNED FROM THE SHRINE OF A CELESTIAL WHORE TO THAT OF A HELLFIRE STUD.'

'Oh, shit.' Dawson said again as Jackson darted forward, breaking the branches and throwing them into a pile that was quickly getting bigger with each passing moment as more and more branches met their demise at the delusional god.

Using this new distraction, Dawson slipped between the branches as they tried to stop Jackson and capture all the Solar Empire soldiers, heading deeper into the complex until he entered a large circular room, in the middle of which sat a pedestal illuminated from above by a single shaft of light through which snow would occasionally drift through.

On top of the pedestal was a vaguely cranium shaped off-white object angled in such a way that it seemed to be looking at Dawson as he approached, its empty eyes boring into him.

'Yoink.' Dawson said, snatching the rock up and stuffing it into a sack.

He about faced and ran back the way he had come, dodging Sunnies and branches before finding Jackson dancing around a huge flaming pile of branches, chanting something.

'BURN, BRANCHES, BURN. IT'S A HELLFIRE INFERNO. BURN, BRANCHES, BURN. CLEANSE THIS UNHOLY PLACE SO THAT IT CAN BECOME FIT TO BE A SHRINE TO ME AWESOMENESS!'

'Hey, Hellfire.' Dawson said, waving the rock in the air. 'I have the power. We should get out of here.'

'AH, TIM-TIM.' Jackson said as he ran after Dawson. 'I SEE YOU ACCOMPLISHED THE MISSION BY YOURSELF. WELL DONE. WE SHALL MAKE YOU INTO A DEMIGOD BEFORE LONG.'

'Great.' Dawson said. 'Just, don't shout into my ear like that. Christ.'

Branches and any remaining Solar Empire soldiers that hadn't been seeded by the branches gave chase, following the Spartans back outside where a blizzard had started, snow cutting visibility to barely a dozen metres while wind shook everything.

'AIM FOR THE TREBUCHETS!' Jackson yelled. 'FOR I, HELLFIRE, HAVE A PLAN, TIM-TIM!'

'Whatever you say, boss.'

They ran for one of the already primed wooden artillery pieces, shooting the attendant dead, then clung to the rock.

'HI-YO HELLFIRE, AWAY!' Jackson yelled as he cut the restraining rope and released the weapon's massive counterweight, propelling himself and Dawson high into the air.

**Somewhere in the Frozen North**

Dawson and Jackson continued to yell as they came in for a hard landing, bouncing off the snow and ice several times before coming to a halt in a thick snow bank.

'I, HELLFIRE, WISH TO RIDE THAT AGAIN!' Jackson proclaimed loudly when he popped up out of the snow. 'IT WAS ONE AMAZING RIDE!'

'We fell hundreds of feet.' Dawson muttered, searching through his pack for the rock Luna had ordered them to retrieve. With a sigh of relief, he saw it was still there. 'Okay, Hellfire. Tim-Tim needs you to listen closely to him.'

'YES, MY DEMIGOD IN TRAINING?'

'Thank you for your cooperation.'

Dawson had found, during Jackson's first transformation in Hellfire, that a specific phrase would snap him out of it. He had stumbled across it by accident but it had stuck in his memory ever since.

As if a switch had been thrown, Jackson's voice returned to its normal volume.

'No officer, problem.' he said, beginning to sway a little. 'I'm help to happy.'

He fell backwards, unconscious.

A side effect of being Hellfire was that it drained the Spartan and whenever he regained his usually wits, it made him spout nonsense and pass out, no matter how brief his tenure as the pyromaniac god.

Dawson let out another sigh of relief as slumped onto his back, looking up at the clouds overhead as they released tonnes of snow down on him and the sleeping Jackson.


	4. Juggernaut

**AN: ****I don't own My Little Pony or Halo. They belong to Hasbro and Bungie/Microsoft/343 Industries respectively. Any songs sung by Jackson belong to their respective artists.**

Juggernaut

**Somewhere in the Everfree Forest**

'If you're living in a bubble and you haven't got a care.' Jackson belted out as he walked down the dirt trail in the forest, Dawson following but at a bit of a distance, trying his best to block out the wailing from his teammate. 'Well you're gonna be in trouble cause we're gonna steal your air. Cause what you've got is what we need and all we do is dirty deeds. We're the Spaceballs! Watch out, cause we're the Spaceballs!

'Goin' cruising in a spaceship, we're so good at being bad.' He continued, sliding from one side of the trail to the other. 'We'll destroy your little planet if you ever get us mad.'

'Or blow your eardrums out.' Dawson muttered under his breath.

'We're mothers of the galaxy, you better scatter when you see the Spaceballs! Watch out! We're the Spaceballs!'

'I'm happy with Squealing Wombat.' Dawson said as Jackson changed to humming his song. 'And what exactly is a Spaceball, anyway? Some giant testicle that orbits a sun?'

'Nah, that'd be roasted.' Jackson said. 'Spaceballs are, well, I've actually got no idea. I just heard the song and liked it so my memory being what it is, latched onto the tune and wouldn't let go.'

'What did you lose in exchange?' Dawson asked.

'Umm.' Jackson said, thinking hard. 'Dunno. I can't remember.'

'Tell me you remembered where we're supposed to deliver this thing.' Dawson said, producing Luna's grey power skull thing she'd sent them to retrieve. 'Because we did not go through agricultural hentai and Hellfire for you to wind up forgetting the drop off point.'

'Hellfire?' Jackson said, confused. 'What hellfire? Last thing I remember was going into a stone temple of doom filled with Sunnies. Next thing I know, we're miles away from anything and you had that in your hand. And I felt really tired for some reason. When did we return to hell?'

Dawson just waved it away. 'Never mind. Just tell me you remember where the base is.'

'Sure, I had it written down here somewhere.' Jackson said as he patted his pockets, searching for a rolled up piece of paper he'd stashed away somewhere. Several seconds of frantic searching later, he produced a crumpled tissue that he opened, revealing two words: Isla Cat.

'Cat Island.' Dawson said flatly. 'Our drop off point is Cat Island?'

'Huh?' Jackson said, looking up. He looked at the tissue then threw it away. 'No, that's a name I've got to add to the barred for life list. Apparently showing up with a laser pointer during Luna's visit is not acceptable behaviour. They still haven't gotten all the kitty kibble out of her chariot yet and the reconstruction is still going on.'

'Is that why I had to drive all the way out to that field in the middle of the night to pick you up?' Dawson asked.

'No, that was because of two bottles of Tranquillity Moonshine, a hen party, and a sponge.'

'That explains why you were covered in feathers.' Dawson said. They walked on for a short while. 'Wait, how did a sponge fit into all that?'

Jackson shrugged. 'No idea. All I can remember about that is how loudly he screamed when I lit him on fire.' He paused. 'And that Trottingham now has a five mile restraining order on me.'

'How can a city have a restraining order against you?'

Jackson shrugged again. 'Search me. Last thing I remember about that Hens United party was seeing some Sunnies waving a flaming torch around. It gets kind of blank after that.'

Dawson shook his head. 'Yeah. It's a mystery. But moving away from your past drunken escapades and into your current soberish ones, where is our rendezvous point?'

'Oh, right. _That_ drop off point.' Jackson pointed back the way they'd come. 'We passed it about fifteen miles ago.'

**Somewhere in the Everfree Forest**

A mildly pissed off Dawson and a mildly concussed Jackson finally wandered into one of the New Lunar Republic's many operating bases set up along the invisible line that divided Celestia's land and Luna's, heading for the command tent.

The pony in charge, a mare with an eye patch and a scarred face, hobbled over to the two.

'You guys took your damn time.' She said as Jackson and Dawson dumped themselves at the map table, propping their boots on the surface. 'What happened?'

'Well, first we got lost in a blizzard.' Jackson began. 'Then we got attacked by some branches that wanted to germinate us. Then we found the rock. Then I blanked out and something involving hellfire happened if Dawson here is to be believed. Then we wandered aimlessly through the Everfree Forest for several hours. Someone took a wrong turn.'

'And someone got hit upside the head.' Dawson said. 'Repeatedly.'

'But we finally managed to find this place.' Jackson said. 'Which is where, exactly?'

'About twenty miles from a Sunnie outpost.' The mare, Butter Soft, said. 'We've got Shadowbolts watching them.'

'Supply situation?' Jackson asked.

'Plentiful.' Butter Soft said. 'We got enough swords, bows, arrows, crossbows, bolts, food, cannons, cannonballs, water to last us several months of operations. We even have some kind of giant metal machine thingy and a crate addressed to you, Spartan Dawson. Came with the machine.'

'What machine?' both Spartans said, craning their necks around to spot the robot.

'It's that one.' Butter Soft said, pointing a hoof over their shoulders. 'You walked right past it.'

The Spartans turned around and saw a pair of giant mechanical legs standing by the entrance.

Jackson turned to Dawson.

'How the hell did we miss that thing?' he asked.

Dawson shrugged. 'Shark week?'

'Works for me.' Jackson said.

They turned back to Butter Soft.

'Does Luna have anything for us to do or are we staying on station?' Dawson asked.

'No.' She said. 'Luna simply told me to hold the line as best I can.'

'Alright.' Jackson said. 'What's in his box?'

**Somewhere in the Everfree Forest**

The lid came off easily enough and landed with a solid whump on the ground next to the crate, revealing rows upon rows of exquisite, ornate, polished and immaculate photo frames. Dawson's entire collection of valuable frames, shipped all the way from Canterlot.

'Why did they send this stuff here?' Dawson asked after checking the crate's contents for damage. 'I specifically told Derpy they needed to be deposited in a high security vault that needs to be kept at a specific temperature and humidity.'

'She probably just mucked it up.' Jackson said as Butter Soft peered into the box.

'Why do you collect photo frames?' she asked.

'I like them.' He said. 'They can make for great wedding gifts if you get the right design.' He picked one out, gingerly handling it. 'See the intricate wooden bas relief around the edge of this frame, how the carpenter worked in bouquets of flowers along with mares reaching out for them, symbolising the hopefulness that marriage brings?'

'All I see is firewood.' Butter Soft said.

'I see crap.' Jackson said.

'Whatever they are, get them moved from my courtyard.' Butter Soft said. 'You two have that tent over there. Try not to make too much of a mess.'

'Don't worry.' Jackson said as Dawson replaced the crate's lid. 'I only got reckless if booze is involved.'

'I see.' Butter Soft said then, in an aside to a nearby soldier, added, 'Put a double guard on the supply tent. Princess Luna has told me... stories about those two. Do not let the one called Jackson near anything alcoholic.'

'Yes, ma'am.' The soldier replied. 'And what about the other one?'

'Him? If he starts getting restless, just give him some porn to read. It usually calms him down.'

**Somewhere in the Everfree Forest**

With what little equipment they had stowed away in their tent, Dawson and Jackson went to examine the giant robot Luna had sent to the base.

'Why do you think she sent it?' Jackson asked, craning his neck to look at the robot's head, a small armoured box that contained all the various sensors to allow its pilot to see everything.

'Dunno.' Dawson said.

'Where do you think she got it?'

'Dunno.' Dawson said again. 'Shark week?'

'Works for me.'

The robot, well over forty feet high, boasted all manner of armaments. On its shoulders were multiple launch rocket systems, each pod containing thirty high explosive missiles that could be guided onto their target, set to heat seeking, or just fired with doing either of those, while twin rotary cannons that fired thirty-millimetre rounds from a mixture of incendiary, sabot and high explosive at a rate of six hundred rounds a minute.

If, or rather when, the main armaments ran out the robot could then rely on a ten-foot long sword that extends from below its wrists, capable of slicing through wood, tender gooey flesh, and metal with ease. And if these broke or were otherwise unavailable, then whoever was piloting the robot could always fall back on its final weapon: its fists.

'What shall we call?' Jackson asked.

Dawson thought long and hard. 'Fluffy.'

'Fluffy?' Jackson said.

'Fluffy.' Dawson said. 'That way, the enemy will be caught totally unawares when you say 'Come on, Fluffy. Kill the nasty soldiers and their might be a treat in it for you' as they'll be pissing themselves with laughter.'

'What makes you think I'll be the one who says that?' Jackson asked.

'Because shotgun.' Dawson said.

'Shotgun!' Jackson said a second later. 'Fuck!'

From behind his visor, Dawson just smiled.

'No fair.' Jackson said, pointing a finger at his teammate. 'You caught me unawares.'

'Case in point for why it should be called Fluffy.' Dawson replied. 'Fluffy puts people at ease so they won't be expecting a GIANT ROBOT ATTACK!'

'Fine.' Jackson said. 'It can be called Fluffy. But you can't call shotgun on a giant robot. That only applies to seating in cars.'

'Okay.' Dawson said. 'Dibs.'

'What?'

'Dibs. I just called dibs.' Dawson said. 'This is my robot now. Dibs.'

'No it isn't, jackass.' Jackson said. 'I'm the team leader so it's mine.'

'Yeah, but you didn't call dibs.' Dawson said. 'I did.' He paused for a moment. 'Dibs. See?'

'You can't call dibs on a giant robot.' Jackson said, pointing at Fluffy. 'That's ridiculous.'

'Yes I can. Dibs. See? I just did it again.' Dawson said, folding his arms across his chest. 'Now, get the fuck away from Fluffy, Spaceball.'

'Don't call me a Spaceball.' Jackson said. 'We don't even know what it means. As for the robot, just try and take it from me.'

'Um, okay. Fluffy?' Dawson said to the inert machine. It did nothing. 'Fuck, I forgot someone needs to be inside for it to do things.'

Jackson shook his head. 'Well, while you're trying to make your robot Fluffy do things, I'm going to take a flamethrower to that collection of arts and craft you love so much.'

'For the thousandth time, they're not arts and crafts.' Dawson said. 'They're called photo frames, and they have exquisite detailing.'

'Call them whatever you want.' Jackson said. 'They burn the same.' He turned around and began slowly walking back to their tent.

'You'll be singing a different tune when Fluffy squashes your Spaceball ass!' Dawson yelled.

'Try it.' Jackson yelled back. 'I've faced bigger.'

'Does this mean I get to keep him?'

'For now, Dawson. For now.'

**Somewhere in the Everfree Forest**

Dawson managed to save his frames from Jackson, tackling the Spartan to the ground just as he was opening the lid. It almost erupted into a brawl when Butter Soft broke it up, giving Dawson the entire camp's supply of Playpony and Jackson a karaoke game that could be uploaded onto his armour.

Both Spartans instantly stopped fighting and started using their new items, sitting at opposite ends of their tent while the rest of the camp breathed a collective sigh of relief.

The peace lasted all of three hours when a massive stomp shook the ground, causing some of the lighter objects to jump up in the air.

Dawson, who was three-quarters through the stack of porn, looked up.

Jackson, who was rocking out to a song only he could hear, didn't, playing an imaginary set of drums.

When no follow up stomp came, Dawson went back to reading.

The moment a second, more volatile stomp happened, he put the magazine down and went and had a look outside.

Several ponies throughout camp had stopped what they were doing, nervously glancing in all directions to try and figure out where the noise had come from.

Once a third ground shaking stomp occurred, Dawson ducked back into the tent and shook Jackson's shoulder.

'Yeah?' Jackson said.

'Trouble.' Dawson said. 'We got something big coming our way.'

'Cool.' Jackson said, ejecting the karaoke game. 'Let's go find it.'

The Spartans grabbed their assault rifles then ran into the forest.

After several minutes of running, during which the frequency of the shaking stomps became higher, they eventually found a hill from where they could observe the incoming trouble.

'Dawson?' Jackson said when they saw what causing the shaking.

'Yes, Jackson?' Dawson said.

'Am I looking at what I think I'm looking at?'

'Yes.'

'Do you know where it could have come from?'

'No.'

'Should I be terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought right now?'

'Maybe.'

Jackson hummed in thought. 'So what kind of dinosaur is it?'

'A Juggernautasarus.' Dawson said.

'Which means?' Jackson asked.

'We're fucked.' Dawson said. 'Especially royally fucked because Celestia has managed to tame one.'

'I see.'

The Juggernautasarus, easily forty feet tall and sixty long, unleashed a bellowing cry that rattled the teeth in both Spartan's heads as it stomped closer to the NLR base. Its mouth had hundreds upon hundreds of sharp jagged teeth while several jagged horn things ran along its back. A crest in the vague shape of Celestia's crown sat atop its head, looking to be made of dense bone, and two spindly arms were perched on the dinosaur's chest. Covering its hide was the golden armour of the Solar Empire, only adapted for something that weighed well over fifty tons.

'Back to camp with a girlish scream on three?' Dawson proposed.

'Screw three.' Jackson said. 'I'm going now.' He got up from their observation point and sprinted back to base.

Dawson did the same.

**Somewhere in the Everfree Forest**

They managed to get back to base within a minute and Dawson went straight to Fluffy, climbing into the cockpit mounted into the robot's chest. It closed around him and the machinery came to life.

'_Do you even know how to work that thing?' _Jackson asked on the COM.

'Uh...' Dawson said, looking over the controls. There were two pedals by his feet and two joysticks at the end of his chair's armrests which had several buttons, each unlabeled, and three monitors surrounded him. The two either side showed the basic functions of the robot, including the internal heat levels, power levels, hydraulics, and ammo situation, while the middle screen was a direct feed from the sensors mounted on top of Fluffy.

It tagged all the NLR soldiers as they readied the defences, identifying them as friendlies, while tagging Jackson as he stood before Fluffy as a possible target.

Dawson gently grasped the joysticks and placed his feet on the pedals, moving them gently. Fluffy responded, copying his movements.

'Maybe?' he said.

'_Well figure out how and quick.' _Jackson said. '_That dino dude is gonna be here soon.'_

'You got it, commander.' Dawson said. He let go of the joysticks and considered some of the buttons below the screens. 'Okay, let's see what this one does.'

He pressed an innocuous looking button.

'Firing all missiles, unguided mode.' A computerised voice said while the words appeared in front of Dawson on the main screen.

'What?' He yelled. 'No, no, no, no!' He began frantically pressing the other buttons trying to cancel the fire order. 'Missiles unfire! Unfire! Please help me, nice Fluffy robot!'

Fluffy didn't and soon, sixty high explosive missiles zoomed out of their launchers and flew off into the distance. Dawson watched them go on the screen, wincing when they landed harmlessly in the forest and detonated.

He knew without looking that Jackson was glaring up at him.

'Sorry, boss.' Dawson said. 'Accident. It won't happen again.'

'_It had better not.' _Jackson replied.

Dawson looked around the cockpit again. Nothing had a label. Without an instruction manual, he didn't know what anything did. He tried another button, tensing in case it activated some kind of self-destruct sequence.

'Detaching rotary cannons.' Fluffy announced.

Several sharp bangs sounded and both arm mounted cannons fell off, landing on the floor with a solid thump.

'Oh, bollocks.' Dawson muttered.

'_Oh, bollocks indeed, Dawson.' _Jackson said. '_You just removed your only remaining ranged weapons.'_

'Yeah, but I've still got the swords.' Dawson said. 'I doubt I can drop them.'

'Detaching swords.' Fluffy said as the last weapon on the robot were released.

The contempt coming from Jackson was overwhelming, even inside the armoured shell of Fluffy.

'I've still got Fluffy's fists.' Dawson began to say. 'How can-'

'_Don't you dare finish that sentence, Spartan.' _Jackson growled. '_Because knowing you, they will join the swords, the rotary cannons and the missiles. And when that happens, I will burn your frames.'_

'This isn't as easy as it looks, okay?' Dawson shot back. 'This thing doesn't even come with an instruction booklet or a tutorial program.'

'Tutorial program activated.' Fluffy said. 'This program is intended to teach non-certified personnel in the use of this Murphy-class urban pacification robot. Let's start by going over the cockpit controls.'

Silence came from the radio as Fluffy began going through what all the little buttons and switches did, including the ones that launched the missiles and which ones could drop any damaged or spent weapons.

'_There are no words.' _Jackson said. _'None whatsoever that can describe how much I despise you right now.'_

'Sorry, boss.'

Jackson didn't follow up, simply shaking his head as he headed to help shore up the base's defence.

Dawson groaned as Fluffy continued teaching him what everything did, coaching him through how to arm specific missiles, designate their targeting system, and how to launch everything simultaneously. Then it went onto the cannons. Then the swords.

'If you cannot reach or find the control you need, voice commands can be used in lieu.' Fluffy said. 'For example, saying arm all missiles will prime every remaining missile for launch and saying fire will launch them. To set their targeting system, please state before saying fire.'

Dawson sagged down in his seat.

'Now that we've covered what all the controls do, it's time to learn how to move the Murphy-class robot.' Fluffy continued. 'The pedals by your feet control this machine's legs while the joysticks by your hands contain quick-use controls for the weapons and move the arms. But be careful. The feedback will be, to begin with, slow to respond. You can change this at any time by simply saying 'change feedback' and adjusting it to your liking. Until then, we recommend you get at least fifty hours of training before using the Murphy-class robot in actual combat.'

'Well, I've got about fifty seconds before I'm going to be going tow to claw with a Juggernautasarus so could we hurry this along a bit?' Dawson said as a bellowing roar echoed across the base, followed a scant second later by a massive shake of the earth.

'I'm sorry.' Fluffy said. 'But due to the complex nature of this machine, the training program cannot be sped up or skipped. Now, using the right joystick, please raise the right arm to a horizontal position.'

Dawson swore under his breath but did as asked.

**Somewhere in the Everfree Forest**

Trees began quivering and in some cases, fall over as the Solar Empire dinosaur closed in on the New Lunar Republic base and its robot guardian who had only just learned how to throw a punch.

'Now that you've mastered using the arms, it's time to move onto walking.' Fluffy said as the Juggernautasarus emerged at the edge of the clearing surrounding the NLR base, letting loose a foul smelling roar that coated the closest soldiers in spittle. 'To begin, gently move your feet as though you were walking normally.'

The Juggernautasarus took a ground pounding step closer to the base as Dawson made Fluffy take one closer to the dinosaur but with much less earth shaking.

'_You any closer to mastering Fluffy yet?' _Jackson asked. _'Because Cuddles over there looks about ready to play.'_

'Cuddles?' Dawson said.

'_Hey, you named your robot Fluffy.' _Jackson said. '_Why can't I name that big mean mother something child like as well?'_

'Fair enough.'

Cuddles took another step, cocking its head one way then the other at the sight of Fluffy.

'Oh, shit.' Dawson said when Cuddles roared at him and began charging. 'End tutorial! End tutorial!'

'I'm sorry.' Fluffy said. 'But due to the complex nature of this machine, the training program cannot be sped up or skipped.'

Dawson, who couldn't move Fluffy unless it was part of the tutorial currently playing, braced as best he could before Cuddles rammed into him with a powerful head butt that sent the robot flying backwards.

It landed with a bone jarring thud.

Fluffy's screen flickered briefly then resolved, showing Cuddles coming in for another attack.

'End tutorial, dammit!' Dawson shouted as Cuddles began stomping on Fluffy's chest with one massive foot. 'I know how to work a Murphy-class robot.'

'Please provide proof of this training.' Fluffy said. 'If you are unable to do so, please have your superior give the order to deactivate this tutorial. Otherwise, it will continue.'

'Commander, say I know how to pilot Fluffy!' Dawson yelled as Cuddles stomped on him again. 'Tell it to stop with the tutorial.'

'_Now hold on, Dawson.' _Jackson said as Cuddles continued to try and crush Fluffy. '_This could give us a clue about how a Juggernautasarus fights. Now stay there. For science.'_

'I'm being crushed and you want to know how a moronic dinosaur fights?'

'_Yup.'_

'Holy balls, you are the worst commanding officer in history.'

'_Yup.'_

Jackson let the beating go on for a few more seconds, each stomp of Cuddles' foot denting Fluffy's armour, before giving the override to shut the tutorial down.

'Tutorial deactivated.' Fluffy said. 'Deactivating safeties. Weapons online.'

'Oh, the tide she is a turning.' Dawson said as he grabbed Cuddles' foot then used it push the dinosaur off, sending it flying into some nearby tents. He got Fluffy to its feet, arms in a combat position, and stared the flailing Juggernautasarus down. 'Okay, you big dumb lizard. Time to turn you into a fossil.'

'_Did you really just say that?'_

'Uh, um.' Dawson said. 'Shut up. I'm fighting a dinosaur.'

Jackson said nothing back but began playing some fast paced heavy rock song over the radio as Cuddles got up.

'Why are you playing that?'

'_It felt appropriate.'_

Dawson rolled his eyes, preparing to meet the dinosaur.

It roared at him, pawing at the ground.

'Hit me.' Dawson said. 'I dare you.'

Cuddles complied, charging the robot with another roar. Fluffy met the rampaging dinosaur, both hands either side of its head but the power behind the charge pushed it back several metres, right up to Dawson and Jackson's tent.

'Not my frames.' Dawson said. 'Not my frames!'

He used one hand to hold Cuddles in place while the other drew pack into a fist, launching forward to deliver an uppercut that snapped Cuddles' jaw shut and sent a few of his many hundreds of teeth flying in all directions.

If this deterred the massive dino, it didn't seem to show as Cuddles recovered and tried to head butt Fluffy again.

'Try shooting it.' Dawson suggested as the impact sent shudders through his body. 'Find a weak spot.'

'_That's what I've been trying.'_ Jackson said, sounding mildly annoyed. _'Armour's too thick. I think I'm just pissing it off.'_

'Keep trying. There has to be somewhere.'

'_No shit.'_

Dawson brought Fluffy's arm back, ready to launch another punch, but Cuddles, seeing what the robot was doing, used its massively long tail to knock Fluffy sideways into a trebuchet.

'_Dawson, I've just been told something by Butter Soft.' _Jackson said. '_You are, and I quote, to keep that damn metal machine from crushing any more artillery pieces. Kill the dinosaur as quickly as you can but don't destroy my war machines.'_

'Tell if she can pilot this clumsy son of a bitch, she's welcome to take over.' Dawson muttered as he used one arm to block a bite from Cuddles, its many teeth scratching and slightly denting Fluffy's arm armour. 'Until then, she can keep her damn mouth shut.'

'_Sure.' _Jackson said. '_General Butter Soft, Spartan Dawson says to shut the fuck up.'_

'What?! No I didn't.' Dawson said as he prised Cuddles' mouth from his arm and delivered a solid punch to the dino's nose. 'I said keep her damn mouth shut. I never said fuck. Fuck, I just said it.'

'_He also wants me to tell you that he thinks your plot is saggy.'_

'I'm gonna kill you, commander!' Dawson shouted as Cuddles slammed its tail into him again. A red warning light popped up on the right hand monitor, saying that the armour had been dented quite badly, and that any further impacts would pose a threat to the hydraulic line located behind it.

'_You can try.' _Jackson replied coolly as the Sunnie dino went flying backwards, launched by Fluffy.

Cuddles landed in the clearing but was up within seconds, looking no worse for wear, whereas Fluffy was covered in dents and scratches. It bellowed at the robot then charged, crested head slamming into Fluffy's armoured midsection and flinging it backwards.

Fluffy bounced once then skidded, smashing into a tent, before coming to a halt in a cloud of dust. It slowly got to its feet then froze when Dawson saw which tent he'd gone through.

'No.' He whispered, hand hovering just above the debris that had been his and Jackson's tent. 'My porn.' He gasped with sudden realisation. 'MY FRAMES!'

The dinosaur cocked its head in confusion at Dawson's sudden and anguished scream then its eyes shrank when it become the one to be on the receiving end of a bellowing war cry that preceded a charging attack.

'YOU SCALY SON OF A BITCH!' Dawson screamed as he slammed Cuddles onto its back, causing some of the Juggernautasarus' armour to fly off. 'THAT WAS MY RETIREMENT FUND!'

Cuddles, somewhat shaken by the loud noises coming from Fluffy and the impact of being slammed into the unforgiving ground, regained what few wits that occupied its simplistic reptilian mind and used its hind legs to throw Fluffy off.

Fluffy landed with a loud bang but was up and charging for the dino within moments, still loudly berating Cuddles as it threw punch after punch, head butt after head butt, until the dinosaur started showing its own signs of battle.

Half its teeth were missing, one eye was swollen shut, it had lost one spindly arm and three of the horn things on its back were missing, each used as an impromptu weapon by Dawson to pummel Cuddles. But still, it squared off to Fluffy.

Around them, the NLR camp had been reduced to tatters. Not a thing was intact.

'Alright you walking Gucci handbag.' Dawson started to say. 'You come here, shaking everyone up and spilling their drinks.'

'_Yeah!' _Jackson added.

'You break all my precious frames.'

'_Yeah!'_

'And, you interrupted my quality porn time.'

'_Yeah! Wait, what?'_

'You wanna cuddle? I'll give you a cuddle.' Dawson snarled, grabbing a nearby arm from a smashed trebuchet, brandishing it like a club. 'Come on. Show me what you got.'

He ran at Cuddles, weapon held low, and the Juggernautasarus responded in kind, roaring.

They met with a loud crash and began struggling. Dawson would smash the dino with his weapon while Cuddles would whack the robot with its tail, neither side getting any kind of advantage, but when Dawson's wooden club smashed into thousands of pieces he discarded it and instead prised Cuddles' mouth open, wrenching the jaw wide open.

When it was big enough, he shoved one arm down and began groping for something.

'This is one I like to call the Heart Stopper.'

Cuddles began thrashing, choking on Fluffy's arm, as Dawson kept shoving his arm further and further in until Cuddles' jaw reached his shoulder and further progress was impossible.

They remained locked in this position for several more seconds then, without warning, Cuddles suddenly went rigid then limp, sliding off Fluffy's arm to the ground.

When the robot's hand was free, everyone could see it held the still beating heart of the Juggernautasarus before it too fell still, dripping blood onto the ground.

'Oh, yeah.' Dawson said as he held Cuddles' heart aloft. 'That's it, man. Game over, man. Game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do? I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna kill us another fucking Juggernautasarus! That's what.'

'I would say we repair the damage you caused during your little bout with Cuddles.' Butter Soft shouted at Dawson. 'But there's nothing left _to _fix. Just kindling and tattered strips of canvas, so maybe we could build a fire, sing a couple of songs, huh? Why don't we try that?'

'Uh...' Dawson said, looking out at the destruction he'd wrought.

'On second thought, how about we just go back to NLR HQ because our grip on this area has fallen thanks to you!' Butter Soft yelled. 'Or don't you agree with my saggy plot?'

'I don't think your plot is saggy, general.' A pony said.

'Shut it, Brown Nose.' She shot back before glaring at Dawson. 'I'll be sure to tell the princess exactly what happened.'

'It won't come as any surprise.' Jackson called after Butter Soft as she led the remaining troops away from the desolated base before saying to Dawson, 'Maybe chicks don't dig giant robots after all.'

Dawson just groaned as Fluffy's power plant gave out and the cockpit was plunged into darkness.

There was a slight creaking noise which got progressively louder until Fluffy toppled backwards, landing on the remains of Dawson and Jackson's tent. Cuddles' heart rolled from the robot's hand, leaving a trail of blood behind.

'Ow.'


	5. Grifball

**AN: ****I don't own My Little Pony or Halo. They belong to Hasbro and Bungie/Microsoft/343 Industries respectively. Any songs sung by Jackson belong to their respective artists.**

_What happens when you, the viewer, writes in to tell us who they want to see beaten to a bloody and lifeless pulp?_

_We make it happen, that's what._

_Only on Equestrian Deathmatch._

_Fandemonium! _

**The Equestrian Deathmatch Arena**

Up in the commenter's box, a stallion and a Diamond Dog, both wearing suits with their hair expertly styled, leaned forward and looked into the camera that focused in on them as the opening music faded away.

The stallion spoke first.

'Good evening, mares and gentlecolts. I'm Johnny Hayseed Gomez.' he said.

'And I'm Nick Diamond Dog.' his counterpart said, looking out of place with his mangy fur sticking out of a well made suit.

'Tonight is that time honoured tradition here on Equestrian Deathmatch where you, our loyal cider swilling blood hungry fans, choose the fights.' Johnny said.

'And boy, have you guys gone all out on this one.' Nick added. 'We've been swamped by letters in their hundreds asking for one thing and one thing only.

'Robots fighting ponies!'

Johnny laughed. 'That's right, Nick. We received no other suggestions so we're dedicating this whole night to just that. Right here on Fandemonium!'

All eyes in the arena swivelled to any one of the many screens set up around and above the Deathmatch ring, ready to show tonight's combatants.

'For tonight's fight, we decided to double the action by having a tag team battle.' Johnny said as the first two fighters were shown. 'Many of our loyal fighters will remember these two from their last fight in the Deathmatch Arena when they took on Gilda the Griffin in a match to get back at her. Hailing all the way from Ponyville, please welcome back Pinkamena Diane 'Pinkie' Pie and her partner, Fluttershy!'

The screen showed the two ponies. Pinkie Pie was bouncing up and down on the spot while Fluttershy hid behind her soft pink mane.

'Now, since their last appearance on the show Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy joined the Solar Empire Army and boy, have they gotten crazy.' Nick said.

'That's right, Nick.' Johnny said as lists sprang up next to both ponies. 'Pinkie Pie put her baking experience to good use cooking up all manner of explosives, and then used her Z&R Mark IV Party Cannon to send them, confetti and the occasional custard pie hurling down range into the New Lunar Republic. Word has it that she uses a special kind of cupcake recipe for really special targets.'

'I'll bet, Johnny.' Nick said. 'Ponies across Equestria have come to fear Pinkamena and her party cannon. But they've also come to fear her partner Fluttershy.

'While Pinkie Pie was signing up for a demolitions job in the Solar Empire, Fluttershy here signed up to be a sniper with the prestigious Harmony Battalion. She uses a Type-3 Yay Anti-Material Rifle. Ponies call her the Angel of Death, I call her not bad to look at.' Nick to turned to Johnny. 'You think it's true what they say, Johnny?'

'Is what true, Nick?' Johnny asked.

'That once you go Diamond Dog...' He trailed off, laughing.

'No, Nick. I don't.' Johnny said.

Nick gave him a sheepish smile before looking down, ashamed. 'Neither do I.'

'Anyway.' Johnny said. 'Now that we've gotten our pony fighters, it's time to meet the robots you, the fans, requested.'

'We here at Deathmatch pride ourselves on meeting the demands of our fans, no matter what.' Nick said. 'And boy, have we gone all out.'

'It took several weeks of scouring Equestria to find two robots that could fight Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy and just when we had given up all hope, Equestrian Deathmatch received a mysterious tip off about two combat ready killing machines lurking somewhere in the Everfree Forest.' Johnny said.

'You know, Johnny, that tip we received was written on the same parchment and had the same writing as all the letters asking for ponies versus robots.' Nick said, glancing at his co-host. 'Maybe the pony who tipped us off was the one who wrote them all.'

'Don't be ridiculous, Nick.' Johnny said. 'Why would anypony go through all that trouble just to get two robots into the Deathmatch ring?'

'To make up one hell of a fight.' Nick said to the camera. 'I mean, really. Ponies fighting robots? Can it get any better?'

'I don't know, Nick.' Johnny said. 'But what I do know is that that mysterious tip paid off and we actually managed to find two robots to fight.'

'Our crack team of Equestrian Deathmatch managed to get a video of their capture.' Nick said. 'Unfortunately, the camera was damaged during the capture and only the sound survived.'

'Let's listen.' Johnny said.

'_As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain, I take a look at my wife and realise she's very plain. But that's just perfect for an Amish like. You know I shun fancy things like electricity.'_

'_Too bad you shunned singing lessons, commander. I think you're actually getting worse.'_

'_Better, you mean. You need to go see an ear doctor.'_

'_An Otolaryngologist?'_

'_The fuck is one of them?'_

'_An ear doctor.'_

'_Well say so.'_

'_I did. You need a dictionary.'_

'_A what?'_

'_A book with many words in it that tell you what the words mean.'_

'_Oh, a crossword solver.'_

'_Holy balls.'_

The sounds of rustling leaves echoed across the arena as the thousands of spectators listened in.

'_Targets in sight. Team Two, move to the left flank, wait for the signal to engage.'_

'_At four thirty in the morning I'm milking cows. Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob ploughs... fool, and I've been milking and ploughing so long that even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone.'_

'_Everyone knows you've lost your mind.'_

'_So my plan is working perfectly.'_

'_All teams, MOVE!'_

Mass movement filtered from the speakers as dozens of ponies erupted from unseen cover and sprang their trap, rushing the two robots as they walked or did whatever it was they were doing.

'_Bravo, flank and suppress! Get those nets over them. Alpha, taser them.'_

'_Contact! Contact! Hardest contact!'_

'_Shut up and fire. Cut these Sunnies down like the sun loving ponies they are.'_

'_Smooth.'_

'_Shut up, Dawson.'_

'_Sir, tasers ineffective. Plan B?'_

'_Plan B.'_

'_The fuck is Plan B?'_

'_Plan 'Bash you over the head!'. That Plan B.'_

A solid sounding thump came from the speakers, followed by a second.

'_Targets down.'_

'Wow.' Johnny said as the recording finished. 'That would have been one hell of a thing to see. Right, Nick?'

'Right, Johnny.' Nick said. 'It took several hours and multiple Plan Bs to get these two robots back to the arena and when we did, our trained professionals set about getting them ready to fight.'

'Which, as it turned out, wasn't so difficult after all.' Johnny said. 'The moment we told them they'd be fighting Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, both robots readily agreed.

'Turns out they're New Lunar Republic soldiers.' Nick said. 'And they vowed to wipe the floor with those Sunnies.'

'That's right.' Johnny said. 'After the robots calmed down, we managed to get to know them a little better.'

Overhead the screens changed from Pinkie and Fluttershy to show the robots dressed in blue armour of some kind.

'The robots, who called themselves Dawson and Jackson, are members of a team called Squealing Wombat.' Johnny said. 'And that they work directly for Princess Luna herself.'

'Other than that, we didn't get much else out of them.' Nick said. 'They like using guns, they hardly plan stuff out and, they are one hundred percent crazy.'

'Well, Jackson is.' Johnny said. 'Dawson seems more level headed.'

'Either way, this is shaping up to be one heck of a fight.' Nick said as the screens overhead shifted to show the ring. 'Now, both teams use ranged weapons so for this fight, we're banning them. Instead, we've provided weapons from Equestria's growing sports craze Grifball.'

'For those of you who are unaware of what Grifball is, we've brought in Equestria's foremost expert on the sport.' Johnny said, turning to a massive red stallion that had joined them in the announcer's booth. 'Mares and gentlecolts, please give a Deathmatch welcome to Grifball's founder, Sarge.'

'Why, hello.' Sarge said to the audience as they cheered. 'I'm Sarge from the popular sport known as Grifball.'

'And we're honoured to have you here with us.' Nick said. 'So, Sarge. Explain Grifball as simply as you can.'

'By and by, Grifball is as simple a sport as you can get.' Sarge began. 'You have a wide open court with teams at opposite ends. In the middle of the court is a bomb. The aim of the game is to get the ball to the enemy's score point as quickly as you can and to do this, both teams are equipped with two of my favourite weapons after the shotgun. Massive hammers that can warp gravity and glowing swords of doom.'

'Which is what we've given our two teams.' Johnny said. 'Hidden around the ring are a number of hammers and swords which can be used at any point.'

'And if that wasn't enough, we've taken items each fighter is willing to die for and suspended them over vats of highly corrosive acid.' Nick said. 'For Squealing Wombat, we have a barrel of the finest Tranquillity Moonshine money can buy for Jackson and a year's worth of Playpony for Dawson.'

'In the pony's corner we have their most beloved pets.' Johnny said once Nick was finished. 'Fluttershy's pet rabbit Angel and Pinkie Pie's toothless alligator Gummy.'

'Now why would anypony buy an alligator with no teeth?' Sarge asked. 'It makes no sense. You can use the teeth to crush your enemies to death! Toothless alligators. I'm sure it's the work of those dirty blue devils.'

'Squealing Wombat?' Nick asked.

'Close enough.' Sarge said.

'Speaking of Squealing Wombat, here they come now.' Johnny said as a light came on and shone down on the armoured robots, escorted by four burly looking stallions. 'Hailing all the way from somewhere in the Everfree Forest, Dawson and Jackson!'

The two Spartans waved up at the crowd as they walked towards the ring, slipping between the ropes as the crowd went wild, screaming and whistling.

'And their opponents, coming straight from Ponyville, please welcome back Equestrian Deathmatch Tag Team champions Pinkamena Diane 'Pinkie' Pie and Fluttershy!'

If the noise from the crowd was deafening as Jackson and Dawson walked in, the sound that came forth from at the sight of the ponies was ear shattering.

Pinkie Pie waved at the crowd as she bounced down the aisle, a beacon of confidence and the exact opposite of her teammate Fluttershy who was cowering behind her mane and being dragged by an irate looking stallion who threw up onto the ring then left.

'And now, the stallion overseeing this match and the final word in all things Deathmatch, Mills Mane!'

A grumpy looking stallion walked into the middle of the ring wearing a white shirt with bow tie.

'Alright, you two. Front and centre.' he said, pointing at both teams. When they came closer, his demeanour became less grumpy as he turned to the ponies. 'Why, hello again you two. How are you?'

'Oh. Fine, thank you, Mr Mane.' Fluttershy said, peeking out from behind her mane. 'How are you?'

'I'm good, Fluttershy.' Mills said. 'And Pinkie?'

'I'm super-duper happy, Millsy!' she said, bouncing up and down. 'Did you like the cupcake I sent you?'

'Yes, it was very nice.' Mills said. 'Wonderful taste.'

'Thanks.' Pinkie said. 'Gilda helped me make it.'

'She made cupcakes with you before the match?'

Pinkie giggled and shook her head. 'No, silly. She helped me after the match.'

'Wasn't she dead?' Jackson asked.

'Yep.'

'Right.' the Spartan said.

A mildly disturbed look appeared on Mills' face but it quickly vanished. 'Now, I've explained the rules to all of you. No biting, no guns, and no breaking the fourth wall.'

'But the readers might find it funny!' Pinkie said.

'Lady, we're on live television.' Mills said. 'There are no readers, just drunks watching TV.'

'And how are we supposed to bite?' Dawson asked, indicating his and Jackson's lack of mouths.

'I don't know and I don't care.' Mills said. 'What I do know is that I want a good clean fight. Now let's get it on!'

A bell rang and Mills retreated to one corner of the ring as Dawson and Pinkie Pie went back to their respective corners, leaving Jackson and Fluttershy to face off.

'Okay, pony.' he said. 'Let's do this thing.'

Fluttershy, for the most part, simply looked terrified as Jackson towered above her, his fists raised ready to strike.

'Do we have to fight?' she whispered, backing away. 'Couldn't we just talk?'

'No chance, Sunnie.' Jackson said. He ran backwards towards the ropes and jumped onto them, stretching the ropes, then launched himself at the Pegasus, using the ropes to give himself that bit more momentum. 'HIYAAH!'

The pony ducked, missing Jackson by inches, and the Spartan careered into the turnbuckle opposite and putting a massive head-shaped dent into the metal.

'Ooh, a masterful use of the Whitetail Wuss by Fluttershy.' Johnny said as Jackson fell to the mat. 'That must have rung a few bells in Jackson's head.'

'Provided there were any bells to ring, Johnny.' Nick said. 'According to teammate Dawson, Jackson has a reputation of being a little crazy.'

'Odd that they would build a robot with such a defect.' Johnny said.

Sarge just laughed. 'Reminds me of Lopez. That rascal was always cracking jokes no matter what.'

Down in the ring, Jackson got himself up off the floor and shook his head clear.

'And the Wombat is back up.' Johnny said as the Spartan rounded on Fluttershy. 'It looks like that self inflicted Plan B did little to stop his desire to turn Fluttershy into paste. He seems to be employing an old favourite. The Manehatten Masher.'

Jackson grabbed Fluttershy by the tail and used it to hurl her over the ropes into the crowd.

'A beautifully executed Masher.' Johnny said. 'But will it be enough to stop the Ponyville Sniper?'

'I don't know, Johnny.' Nick said as Fluttershy disentangled herself from the crowd. 'But I sure wouldn't mind eating that Fluttershy paste you mentioned. Boy, I tell ya. I've never seen a mare quite as graceful as her.' Nick's tail began wagging as his expression became distant, dreamlike. 'Maybe she has a thing for dogs like me.'

Both Johnny and Sarge stared at him.

'Nick, this is a family show.' Johnny said. 'We can't have your sick perverted fantasies going out live.'

Nick's tail stopped wagging and he whined.

'Yeah.' Sarge added. 'Besides, a mare like Fluttershy looks for sophistication and class in a stallion. Like me.' He and Johnny laughed as Nick let out a disgruntled growl.

Ringside, Jackson climbed on top of the turnbuckle closest to Fluttershy and prepared to jump off it.

'This is a little something I like to call, Pounding the Mare.'

He jumped off and aimed at Fluttershy, elbow out and ready to drive into her yellow back but she saw him flying towards her, let out a shrill shriek, and jumped away again, leaving Jackson to drive his elbow straight into the concrete floor.

There was a sickening crack and a pained scream from Jackson as he stood, holding his right arm.

'Oh, I'm sorry.' Fluttershy said, seeing the Spartan. 'I didn't mean to hurt you.'

'Well I do!' Jackson yelled, running for the Pegasus with a barbaric yawp.

She ducked yet again and Jackson went flying into a wall, bouncing off with some force.

'And Jackson falls for the Whitetail Wuss a second time!' Johnny said. 'This fight might be over before it's even started.'

Mills walked over to the prone figure.

'Robot, can you hear me?' he asked, prodding Jackson with a firm hoof. 'Can you continue? Do you want to continue?'

'Petunias with prawn crackers.' Jackson mumbled, righting himself.

'He's okay.' Mills said as Jackson stood, wobbling slightly. 'I think.'

'Commander?' Dawson called out from his corner. 'You wanna tap out and let me have a whack at them?'

'Whack?' Jackson repeated, looking between Fluttershy and Dawson. He shook his head clear again. 'Whack!'

He ran for the mat, reaching under the side to produce a gravity hammer.

'That dirty blue devil.' Sarge said as Jackson bore down on Fluttershy, hammer waving in the air. 'What kind of robot uses a hammer on a mare like her?'

'Evidently one who took two blows to the head and drink moonshine.' Johnny said.

'That's no excuse.' Sarge said. 'I would have gone for the sword myself.'

'True enough, Sarge.' Nick said. 'But it means that things are really getting interesting.'

Jackson swung the hammer in a wide arc, just missing Fluttershy's head, then brought it up over his own head ready to bring it smashing down on the still pony.

'Hey, meanie pants!' Pinkie yelled, making Jackson pause mid swing and look up at the pink Earth pony. 'You leave my mare alone!' She pulled out a party cannon and aimed it squarely at Jackson. 'Surprise!'

It fired and all manner of confetti, pies, cakes and ball bearings came flying out that collided with the Spartan and knocked him back.

'Hey!' Dawson shouted. 'She used a ranged weapon! That's not allowed.'

Pinkie rooted around in her hair and produced a tray of brownies which she tossed at Mills' hooves. He picked one up and gave it a nibble, nodding in satisfaction.

'I'll allow it.' he said, tucking into more of the baked goods as Pinkie Pie bounced over to Fluttershy, got tagged in, and bounced over to a still recovering Jackson.

'Amazing.' Johnny said. 'Pinkie managed to use the Canterlot Cannon Comeback to crush Jackson and save Fluttershy.'

'That takes me back.' Sarge said.

Pinkie stopped next to Jackson and produced her cannon again, pointing the muzzle straight at his face.

'I've seen bigger.' Jackson said.

'Really?' Pinkie said, moving the barrel to look into it. 'Because the Z&R Mark IV has the biggest muzzle out of all my cannons.'

'True.' Jackson said. 'You can fit an entire pony's head into it.' He snapped to his feet and grabbed Pinkie's head, shoving her into the cannon until she was halfway in, back legs flailing in the air.

'I don't believe it.' Nick said as Jackson grabbed the cannon itself and prepared to throw it. 'Jackson turned that Canterlot Cannon Comeback into a Cloudsdale Cask, and it looks like he's trying to pull off another Manehatten Masher.'

The Spartan hauled the cannon and its occupant above his head, let out a scream, then launched them both high into the air.

'You're wrong, Nick.' Johnny said as the cannon flew up high. 'That's not a Manehatten Masher. That's a Hoofington Highballer. A deadly move if done correctly.'

Pinkie and her cannon came plummeting back down, landing on top of an unfortunate popcorn vendor.

'Ooh, and a lucky escape for Pinkie Pie there.' Johnny said. 'Let's just hope she can continue fighting.'

'Doubt it.' Sarge said as Mills worked to prise Pinkie from her cannon. The impact had wedged her firmly inside and the stallion was getting nowhere.

'She's stuck.' Mills said. 'Only thing that can get her out now is an explosion of some kind.'

'Coming right up.' Jackson said, shoving Mills out of the way. He grabbed the firing mechanism and yanked it.

There was a muffled explosion but Pinkie Pie remained trapped, back legs flailing.

'Okay.' Jackson said. 'Let's try this again.'

He pulled the trigger again but received the same results barring a slight bulging of the cannon's casing. A third pull achieved the same thing.

'Folks, I cover your ears if I were you.' Johnny said as Jackson tried a fourth, fifth and a sixth time, each firing causing the cannon to grow in size.

'This time, I got it.' Jackson said, giving the trigger an almighty pull.

There was a massive explosion that sent confetti flying over everything and propelled Pinkie and Jackson flying away from each other with such speed, they were there one second and gone the next.

Pinkie reappeared first, crawling out of a hole shaped like herself, woozy but otherwise unharmed.

Jackson, meanwhile, was pulled from his hole by Dawson.

'Yo, commander.' Dawson said. 'You alright?'

Jackson fell face first onto the arena floor. 'Give me a minute. The world keeps going cat and the donkey won't stop playing water on the alcohol.'

'Yeah, you're not.' Dawson said, grabbing Jackson's hand to tag himself in. 'You have a rest for a bit and I'll sort these two out.'

'Pyjamas.' Jackson said as Dawson made his way to the ring, slipping between the ropes to confront Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy.

'Okay, you two.' Dawson began, pointing a finger at them.

'Hey, GareBare!' Pinkie said, waving at the Spartan.

Dawson, confused, turned around to see if anyone was behind him.

'Garewho?' he asked when he saw no one was there.

'GareBare.' Pinkie said again. 'I'm saying hi.'

'Right.' Dawson said as Mills walked over.

'Pinkie, I said no breaking the fourth wall.' He said sternly. 'I'm afraid I'm going to have to confiscate your party cannons and no amount of brownies will make me say otherwise.'

'How about some cupcakes and cookies?'

Mills looked at the pony for a second. 'Make them double chocolate and I'll allow it.'

'Okie Doki Loki.' Pinkie said, searching through her bright pink mane for something. She produced a tray of cookies and a tray of cupcakes, along with some more brownies.

Mills accepted them all. 'Now let's get it back on.'

Fluttershy let out a soft yay as Dawson eyed them up.

'As I was saying.' he said. 'Um. Where was I?

'Okay, you two.' Sarge said. 'Bluetard.'

'Right.' Dawson said. 'Okay, you two. You come here, support Celestia, and you manage to make Jackson spout even more crazy stuff than he usually does. I'm gonna-'

Whatever threat Dawson was going to make was cut off as Pinkie pulled out another Party Cannon and fired, hitting Dawson full in the face with confetti and pies. He staggered back, wiping the gooey mixture from his bug-eyed visor.

'And Pinkie Pie catches the robot off guard with her patented Pinkie Pie Ponyville Party Punch, powered by pudding.' Johnny said as Dawson cleared the last bit of pie away. 'Not the most lethal of her arsenal but knowing Pinkie Pie, she's working her way up to the MMM, or the Monster Murderification Mixture. A deadly concoction that's claimed the lives of many a soldier.'

'Well let's hope she pulls it out soon, Johnny.' Nick said as Dawson grabbed Fluttershy's tail and used it to fling the mare towards the announcer's booth. She sailed over the heads of Nick and Sarge with a timid scream. 'Because Dawson doesn't look like he's messing around.'

The Spartan reached under the ring and pulled out the hilt of an energy sword, pausing the read the inscription on the handle.

'Type-1 Key.' he read. 'How is a sword a key?'

'It unlocks peoples death, numb nuts.' Sarge muttered as Fluttershy appeared next to him.

'Sorry.' she said before flying back into the ring where Dawson had activated the sword and was swinging it at Pinkie Pie, missing her by inches, who kept bouncing out of the way.

The Pegasus mare slammed into Dawson with the impact of a butterfly, wrapping her hooves around his face and blinding him.

'Another genius move from Fluttershy.' Nick said as Dawson began swinging his sword in wild slashes. 'A Sal Palomino Sidewinder.'

'That takes me back.' Sarge said. 'General Sal Palomino invented it during the Sidewinder Campaign. Heh. Those blues never saw us coming.'

'And neither will Dawson.' Johnny said as Pinkie aimed her cannon at him. 'It looks like it could be all over for Squealing Wombat now. Pinkie just loaded the MMM into her Mark IV! Only divine intervention could save him now.'

Dawson paused, looking in the general direction of the announcers. He then snapped his fingers and peeled Fluttershy off. 'One divine intervention coming up.'

He ran for Jackson's discarded hammer and picked it up, ripping some of the skirting from the ring and wrapping it around the hammer head before dipping it in the butter from the popcorn vendor's cart, getting a unicorn in the audience to light it on fire.

Pinkie and Fluttershy just looked at the Spartan with bewilderment as he waved the hammer in the air, getting the fire going.

'Hey, commander!' Dawson yelled. 'Look what I got!'

Jackson, still groggy, raised his head from the floor and looked at Dawson.

Within seconds, he jumped up, seemingly revitalised.

'TIM-TIM!' Hellfire bellowed, charging forwards. 'WE MEET AGAIN!'

'You wanted divine intervention?' Dawson said to Johnny and Nick as Hellfire grabbed the flaming hammer and launched himself into the ring. 'I present to you Hellfire.'

'AH, MORE SUBJECTS OF THE CELESTIAL WHORE.' Hellfire said upon seeing Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. 'WHAT FUN I SHALL HAVE ELIMINATING THE TWO OF YOU.'

'Do you have to be so loud?' Pinkie Pie said. 'We're right next to you.'

'LOUD?' Hellfire shouted. 'I AM NOT LOUD. I AM SPEAKING QUIETLY. I CAN SPEAK LOUDLY IF YOU WISH BUT IT WOUL RUN THE RISK OF BRINGING THIS ENTIRE STRUCTURE DOWN. NOW,' He brandished the flaming hammer. 'PREPARE TO MEET THY DOOM AT THE HANDS OF HELLFIRE, GOD OF HELLFIRE.'

'Well, folks. I am amazed at what has taken place here today.' Johnny said as Hellfire edged closer. 'This is turning out to be a Fandemonium to remember and this is thanks to all of you. From all of us here at Equestrian Deathmatch, thank you for your cooperation.'

Dawson's head snapped up to the booth in horror, then to the ring where Hellfire fell face first onto the mat, hammer falling from his grip.

'Oh, bollocks.' Dawson muttered.

The two ponies shared confused expressions then leapt for Dawson simultaneously, tackling him to the ground, and began pummelling him with their hooves.

Johnny, Nick, and Sarge looked on in bewilderment at Jackson as he remained motionless.

Mills approached him for a second time, roughly kicking the Spartan as he munched on a cookie. 'Robot number two, can you hear me? Can you continue? Do you want to continue?'

Jackson made no attempt to reply.

'He's out.' Mills said.

Dawson, meanwhile, continued to receive a beating from the ponies and Mills wandered over.

'Robot number one, do you want to want to continue?'

'Not really.' Dawson said.

'Well tough.' Mills said. 'This is a fight to the death.'

'Right.' Dawson grabbed Pinkie's hoof and used it to throw her off him, pushing Fluttershy as well but with greater force. So much so that she collided with a turnbuckle and knocked herself out, leaving a woozy Pinkie Pie and battered Dawson left.

They both staggered up right and squared off, moving to the ropes.

'Alright, you pink horse.' Dawson said. 'Let's see how bad you are.'

'Okie Doki Loki.' Pinkie panted, pushing herself against the ropes as Dawson did the same.

They went back as far as they could then let go, flinging themselves at the other.

They collided with a sickening crunch and fell to the mat, joining Fluttershy and Jackson in unconsciousness.

Mills went from each prone form to the other, checking them for signs of alertness.

After checking them all, he shrugged.

'They're all out.' Mills said. 'It's a tie.'

'Amazing.' Johnny said. 'Our first Fandemonium where ponies are pitted against robots and it ends in a tie.'

'So what does that mean for the items we've got suspended over the acid?' Nick asked, pointing at Angel and Gummy in their cages.

'Well, it is a tie so I guess both teams won.' Johnny said after a moment's consideration. 'But then, they both lost so-'

'So quit gabbing and more dropping.' Sarge said, pressing his hoof down on the release button for all four items.

There was a click and all four cages fell into the vats of acid, dissolving quickly as the acid did its work.

Johnny and Nick watched as the animals, booze and porn were reduced to nothing.

'That works.' Nick said slowly.

'Yeah.' Johnny said as the ending theme music began sounding. 'Well, that's the end of that. From all of us here from Equestrian Deathmatch, good night, good fight.'


End file.
